Part 66: Emerging...

I felt like I was struggling beneath the surface, drowning...but not wanting to emerge.

Slowly the weeks were ticking by and life was going on for everybody else...
For everybody else except me!

I submerged myself in tilawaat and zikr...it was the only solace for my broken heart.

It was all I could now do for Imraan.

I felt nothing about life or the world, I barely knew what day it was and I certainly wasn't aware of the passing of time.

But, alas...time waits for no man.

Shireen came to visit, amongst the sea of other visitors, her visit stuck out.

Most people who came, asked how I am awkwardly..they mumbled kind words and duas and then they felt lost looking at me, I didn't blame them...even I was lost. Most people usually turned to mummy or dilnaas or sabera, whoever else was there...they usually spoke about me in stage whispers, as if I wasn't there.

"Kaam che? Shame man...she's eating ne hando?bechari...whoo kaari?"

I usually just shut it out and continue my ibbadaat, my essale sawaab.

The more I turned to Allah, the better I felt. I was doing something worthwhile for Imraan...i was doing all I could do!

Shireens visit was different, after the awkwardness, she burst forth with news, to exciting to contain...she was pregnant again!

Her happiness and excitement was evident as she gushed about this and that. She didn't seem to mind my lack of response nor did she notice my growing anger.

After she left I was reeling. How dare she! She was cruel and heartless!!! Here I was, a widow before 30...with two fatherless children and all she cared about was herself! I didn't need a reminder how perfect everybody else life was! I was so angry, I cried hot angry tears into my pillow.

Emotions gushed out of me from deep within my soul. I begged Allah to fill my heart with sukoon. I couldn't take this pain anymore.

Once I had calmed down I could think straight and I realized how wrong I was. Shireen had every right to be happy...every right to enjoy her good fortune...every right to bask in the glow of her pregnancy. What right did I have to wish her less joy?

Death had left my children fatherless but my well of self pity was leaving them motherless!

Nobody knows better than me, how short life is...perfect can be snatched away in a minute. Happiness can turn to sadness, in only a second...

I lost my husband but I shouldn't be robbing my babies of a mother too.

I woke up and washed my face...i creped into Ahmeds old room just as my mother was preparing a bottle to feed Zeyaan.

I took the bottle from her and lifted the baby, wordlessly. My mother looked surprised but she didn't say anything. I sat with Zeyaan as he nestled against me his crying immediately stopped as I placed the bottle at his little rosebud lips.

His eyes were the exact same colour that Imraan's had been, I realized as Zeyaan looked up at me. His eyes never left my face as he drank his feed in my arms.

Before I could even burp him, he softly tucked into the nook of my arm and fell asleep.

I looked up to were mummy had been standing, watching us...only to realize she had slowly left without me noticing.

I carried my baby son to the bed and laid down next to him. I glanced at Zehrah sleeping in the cot next to the bed and I fell asleep.

I woke up from the first restfull sleep since the accident. I gazed at my two perfect little babies and  realized that, that moment...that single moment, was the most peaceful one, I had had, in weeks.

It was almost perfect....almost, but not quite.

this sadness will always hang at the edge some where...but it doesn't have to consume me. It tinges my life and thoughts, but it cannot cripple me.

I am no longer Imraan's wife...but I am Zehrah and Zeyaans mother.
Imraan is no longer here...but I am!

I am all that they have...and I owe it to them to be strong. I owe it to Imraan, to be the best that I can be.

Who else would be able to tell them what an amazing man their father was?
Was...were...had been.
All we have left, are memories.

Part 65: The darkness continued

The hardest days of my life filled my world with a permanent sadness.

I went from young bride, to young mother, to young widow...in the blink of an eye.

I was spared the identification of the mayyit as Imraan's family took care of such arrangements. I still can't believe I am in Iddaat.

I feel like it must just be a bad dream. One I will wake up from to see Imraan smiling at me like he was watching me sleep.

At night I reach for him and when I feel an empty space for a minute I think he must be in PMB...but only for a sleepy minute before reality rushes to the surface and I wake up screaming.

I could hear the whispers at the funeral, as people watched me weep. Some weeped with me but far more gossiped.
"Tragedy...poor thing...Joowan pooiri...whoo karai? Allah paak! "

People were baffled, confused, curious...
I was distraught.

The actual mayyit was a blurr, I felt like it was an out of body experience. The reality of it hit me as they lifted the janaaza to take it away. I don't remember much but I know that I was held back by mighty forces as I tried to break free. Every part of my being aches for my beloved husband. A part of me truly died the day Allah called him home.

My mind knows taqdeer and mauth.I know that none of us are ment live forever but you get married and dream of growing old. You don't think that  life really is that short.

Your mind knows so much, but your heart feels none of it. My heart is a heavy stone, it bleeds and weeps. It is truly broken.

I cry every waking moment, when sleep does come, its no escape. I dream only of my Imraan and even in slumber my conscious mind intrudes and reminds me of the nightmare that is now my reality.

I wish I could just sleep undisturbed, forever. Coz when I sleep, I dream...and in my dreams, Imraan is alive. But, when reality dawns...i can't hold it together. Not even for my precious children.

Everybody keeps saying I need to be strong for them, but I can't. Looking at them breaks my heart. They are a reminder of everything we have lost.

Imraan's mother was hysterical after the mayyit. She blames me for his passing, I did nothing to change her mind.

They came today with a ton of paper work for me to sign. I barely read it as I penned away wherever Bilal asked me to. They said it was about the accident and car but I couldn't careless. I didn't want to think of any of it, I don't care about insurance or claims.. It won't change anything and won't bring my husband back. I definitely don't want to think of the accident.

Luqmaan was furious that they made me sign documentation, without him present. But, i really don't want to be bothered about any legal issues.

Right now mummy is taking care of the twins mostly. I just don't have the energy right now.

I just want to be left alone.

Part 64: The darkest day

My heart froze in fear for a second but then I breathed a sigh of relief as I recognized Luqmaans car.

"Hey Tima!", Sabera greeted me as she came in.

"Just need to grab my jacket, didn't pack it and the evenings at the beach get so cold!", she said.

I just hmmmed as I tried to crane my neck to try and see down the road. I was half glad to see Luqmaan and Sabera, being alone was giving me an eerie feeling that I couldn't shake! I wish Imraan would get her already.
Luqmaan sat quietly on the armrest and stared at the floor awkwardly. Shy or not, I was glad for his presence right now.

"Why don't you'll read Magrib here", I said to him, hoping to extend their stay at least until Imraan gets here.

Erm, I think we'll make it back to the hotel, no problem. , Luqmaan replied shyly.
I heard the sound of a car, I just hope this is Imraan now.

But as the car turned into our driveway, the flashing blue lights reflected off every wall and filled the house.

No! No no no! There must be a mistake, no....i felt my world literally fall apart at that moment!
Luqmaan had stood up and was already heading to the door, but he stopped and looked at me confused. I hadn't realized that I had shouted No! Out aloud. I couldn't explain...the knock on the door took his attention again.

I knew before they spoke...they didn't have to say a word. I couldn't breath...my throat was constricting.

"Good Evening Officers, can I help you?"Luqmaan greeted them so pleasantly.
They asked for me by full name...in that moment, my world changed forever.
The look in their eyes said it all..the pity...the sympathy. They didn't have to speak, I was shaking my head. I don't want to hear it!

"Im sorry ma'am...there has been an accident. Your husband...his gone ma'am. I am so sorry" one officer said.

I fell to the floor. Tears streamed down my face!

Luqmaan looked horrified. "There must be a mistake, sir!", he said angrily! " have you checked your facts before you brought such anguish!", he demanded...furious, unbelieving....not wanting to believe.
But I knew, I knew in my heart...it was the truth. "What happen?", I stammered.

"What's going on?", sabera said...she looked between the officers, her new husband and me on the floor.

" a drunk driver...wrong lane...head on.."
The officers were explaining but I couldn't listen. This had to be a dream...an awful nightmare. Where is my father? My,brother? Where's Ahmed! Where's Ahmed? He would fix this.
Ahmed and Imraan always fix everything.
Imraan, my Imraan.
I couldn't believe he was gone! Could it really be true? No no no...

I stood up like a crazy person...i rushed for my phone. The screen saver was a pic of a smiling Imraan sitting with the twins in hospital.
I hit call under his number and pressed the phone to my ears...

It just rang and rang and rang...

The officers and Luqmaan were just staring at me.

Sabera came to take the phone away from me just as the automatic voice said "the subscriber you trying to reach is unavailable at present..."
My blood ran cold...unavailable forever...
I was never going to hear his voice again...smell his scent...be comforted in his embrace!

I had two children to raise alone. Orphans! Two orphans...they will never know their father...or the part of their mother that died with him today.

But even as all these thoughts were running through my mind, still, a part of me couldn't believe it. Maybe there was a mistake.
"Ma'am...i think its best you come with us to identify the body, my colleagues already informed the other person on the ICE card."
ICE?

Oh! Incase of emergency!!! His father...Imraans father.

I couldn't think anymore, I couldn't breath... I just felt lost.

Part 63: The beginning of the End

 sat in the lounge of my parents home as I had many, many times before. I kept looking out of the window even though I knew there was nothing new to see...

It's funny how you can keep looking out when you waiting for somebody, you know they not there yet, but you keep checking, just to be sure.

I was waiting for Imraan. I would hear him turn into the drive before I see the car, but o can't stop looking out.

Imraan's doing this drive for the last time. He sounded so happy on the phone when he called me a few minutes ago. He was passing hibberdene. He was coming to fetch me. Tonight we would go to visit our babies and tomorrow we will go to fetch them!

Yes...thats right!
Tomorrow, we taking Zehraah and Zeyaan home. The news has thrilled us to the core. Tomorrow is going to feel,like the first day of the rest of our lives.

Imraan couldn't contain himself over the phone, "Babe, I love you so much...i love our babies so much. I want nothing more than to take your'll home! "

I smiled to myself now, replaying his words. These last few months have been so hard! I shook my head to clear my thoughts and took a deep breath, no sad thoughts tonight!
I couldn't shake out the funny feeling in my tummy ever since Imraan phoned. I was waiting almost anxiously for him to come. He was taking ages!

It would be Magrib soon...i need to put the lights on, I thought.

As I stood up, I checked the time on my phone again. 30minutes since Imraan phoned! What was taking him so long.
A pair of headlights flashes across the yard and I sighed deeply as the sound of the engine reached my ears. Finally!

My parents were gone to visit their friends down the road for supper and I was alone. I rushed to open the door as the car engine shut off outside. When I heard two doors closing, I realized it could not be Imraan.


...too late, I had already flung the front door open.

Part 62:Zehraah and Zeyaan

I was wheeled to the NiCU to meet my precious babies.

Zehraah and Zeyaan

They are beautiful, sweet and so tiny.
The minute I saw them I fell in love! I also knew that they will make it, I just knew.

My father was okay. He had suffered a heart attack but for the most part he was fine.
I was released from hospital before the twins. I stayed in Port Shepstone and Ahmed or Sabera drove me to and from the hospital almost daily.

Imraan drove back and forth between Martizburg and Port Shepstone as often as he could manage. Some days he drove from PMB to Sheppie straight from work at 4, he would get to us at 7-8 pm and leave again after midnight, sleep in durban and drive to work in the morning. sometimes he would drive back to PMB after fajr to make it in time for work.It was exhausting. The only thing that made it easier was seeing how well our babies were doing.

We dreamed of taking them home and raising them. The last two months have been horrible. Imraan looks like a different person. He has lost so much weight, I can cry when I see him.
My mother has been running between me and my father as she nursed us both back to full strength.

I am doing alot better now. I can't wait to start our family life. It's all Imraan and I can talk about. The twins getting out of hospital and the four of us going home. The traveling is really hard on him too.

Sabera and Luqmaan are having a small nikkah this Friday after Jumuah and then the both families are hosting a joint Walima Lunch. Sabera is moving to PMB!!!

I'm so thrilled because she agreed to come home for a few hours each day to help me out with the twins.

Next week our babies will be ready to come home. Imraan is like a changed man already.

I can't wait!