Part 65: The darkness continued

The hardest days of my life filled my world with a permanent sadness.

I went from young bride, to young mother, to young widow...in the blink of an eye.

I was spared the identification of the mayyit as Imraan's family took care of such arrangements. I still can't believe I am in Iddaat.

I feel like it must just be a bad dream. One I will wake up from to see Imraan smiling at me like he was watching me sleep.

At night I reach for him and when I feel an empty space for a minute I think he must be in PMB...but only for a sleepy minute before reality rushes to the surface and I wake up screaming.

I could hear the whispers at the funeral, as people watched me weep. Some weeped with me but far more gossiped.
"Tragedy...poor thing...Joowan pooiri...whoo karai? Allah paak! "

People were baffled, confused, curious...
I was distraught.

The actual mayyit was a blurr, I felt like it was an out of body experience. The reality of it hit me as they lifted the janaaza to take it away. I don't remember much but I know that I was held back by mighty forces as I tried to break free. Every part of my being aches for my beloved husband. A part of me truly died the day Allah called him home.

My mind knows taqdeer and mauth.I know that none of us are ment live forever but you get married and dream of growing old. You don't think that  life really is that short.

Your mind knows so much, but your heart feels none of it. My heart is a heavy stone, it bleeds and weeps. It is truly broken.

I cry every waking moment, when sleep does come, its no escape. I dream only of my Imraan and even in slumber my conscious mind intrudes and reminds me of the nightmare that is now my reality.

I wish I could just sleep undisturbed, forever. Coz when I sleep, I dream...and in my dreams, Imraan is alive. But, when reality dawns...i can't hold it together. Not even for my precious children.

Everybody keeps saying I need to be strong for them, but I can't. Looking at them breaks my heart. They are a reminder of everything we have lost.

Imraan's mother was hysterical after the mayyit. She blames me for his passing, I did nothing to change her mind.

They came today with a ton of paper work for me to sign. I barely read it as I penned away wherever Bilal asked me to. They said it was about the accident and car but I couldn't careless. I didn't want to think of any of it, I don't care about insurance or claims.. It won't change anything and won't bring my husband back. I definitely don't want to think of the accident.

Luqmaan was furious that they made me sign documentation, without him present. But, i really don't want to be bothered about any legal issues.

Right now mummy is taking care of the twins mostly. I just don't have the energy right now.

I just want to be left alone.