Part 66: Emerging...

I felt like I was struggling beneath the surface, drowning...but not wanting to emerge.

Slowly the weeks were ticking by and life was going on for everybody else...
For everybody else except me!

I submerged myself in tilawaat and zikr...it was the only solace for my broken heart.

It was all I could now do for Imraan.

I felt nothing about life or the world, I barely knew what day it was and I certainly wasn't aware of the passing of time.

But, alas...time waits for no man.

Shireen came to visit, amongst the sea of other visitors, her visit stuck out.

Most people who came, asked how I am awkwardly..they mumbled kind words and duas and then they felt lost looking at me, I didn't blame them...even I was lost. Most people usually turned to mummy or dilnaas or sabera, whoever else was there...they usually spoke about me in stage whispers, as if I wasn't there.

"Kaam che? Shame man...she's eating ne hando?bechari...whoo kaari?"

I usually just shut it out and continue my ibbadaat, my essale sawaab.

The more I turned to Allah, the better I felt. I was doing something worthwhile for Imraan...i was doing all I could do!

Shireens visit was different, after the awkwardness, she burst forth with news, to exciting to contain...she was pregnant again!

Her happiness and excitement was evident as she gushed about this and that. She didn't seem to mind my lack of response nor did she notice my growing anger.

After she left I was reeling. How dare she! She was cruel and heartless!!! Here I was, a widow before 30...with two fatherless children and all she cared about was herself! I didn't need a reminder how perfect everybody else life was! I was so angry, I cried hot angry tears into my pillow.

Emotions gushed out of me from deep within my soul. I begged Allah to fill my heart with sukoon. I couldn't take this pain anymore.

Once I had calmed down I could think straight and I realized how wrong I was. Shireen had every right to be happy...every right to enjoy her good fortune...every right to bask in the glow of her pregnancy. What right did I have to wish her less joy?

Death had left my children fatherless but my well of self pity was leaving them motherless!

Nobody knows better than me, how short life is...perfect can be snatched away in a minute. Happiness can turn to sadness, in only a second...

I lost my husband but I shouldn't be robbing my babies of a mother too.

I woke up and washed my face...i creped into Ahmeds old room just as my mother was preparing a bottle to feed Zeyaan.

I took the bottle from her and lifted the baby, wordlessly. My mother looked surprised but she didn't say anything. I sat with Zeyaan as he nestled against me his crying immediately stopped as I placed the bottle at his little rosebud lips.

His eyes were the exact same colour that Imraan's had been, I realized as Zeyaan looked up at me. His eyes never left my face as he drank his feed in my arms.

Before I could even burp him, he softly tucked into the nook of my arm and fell asleep.

I looked up to were mummy had been standing, watching us...only to realize she had slowly left without me noticing.

I carried my baby son to the bed and laid down next to him. I glanced at Zehrah sleeping in the cot next to the bed and I fell asleep.

I woke up from the first restfull sleep since the accident. I gazed at my two perfect little babies and  realized that, that moment...that single moment, was the most peaceful one, I had had, in weeks.

It was almost perfect....almost, but not quite.

this sadness will always hang at the edge some where...but it doesn't have to consume me. It tinges my life and thoughts, but it cannot cripple me.

I am no longer Imraan's wife...but I am Zehrah and Zeyaans mother.
Imraan is no longer here...but I am!

I am all that they have...and I owe it to them to be strong. I owe it to Imraan, to be the best that I can be.

Who else would be able to tell them what an amazing man their father was?
Was...were...had been.
All we have left, are memories.